Isn't it interesting what joy or pain can be experienced just by receiving a letter in the mail? A baby's been born, someone is getting married, a friend decided to write just out of the blue.Then there's the opposite end of the spectrum: Dear John, I don't love you anymore, you owe $300 for that purse you bought at Macy's, the power bill for May is $490, foreclosure is imminent, etc... It seems that the negative outweighs the pleasant in the case of snail mail these days.
For us, yesterday brought a stern, "Pay this ridiculous amount by the 7th or else!" from our bank that carries the mortgage on our home. Well, obvioulsy those weren't the exact words... but it's pretty dern close! I can't begin to describe my overwhelming feeling of helplessness. My first response to news such as this is, "where could I get a job?" and then following right on its heels is the heart-stabbing realization that that would mean being away from Luke all day long. There have been some days where I felt as though I would welcome the opportunity to get away from my mommy-duties for a while but I know that's the exhaustion talking. My more coherent moments, when I think of the things I would miss, tell me that the seperation would be more painful than I can imagine. Could I really do it? Miss his smiles and laughs throughout the day? Miss opening my eyes to him smiling at me first thing in the morning and then snuggling on the couch as we both wake up. Miss our morning walks? The precious moments after he wakes up from his naps and
needs me? Miss nursing him and seeing how he feels so safe in my arms, so secure because Mommy's got him?
I truly thank God that the cost of childcare (ughhh!) would pretty much negate whatever income I made. I also thank God for laying down just another opportunity for me to learn to trust Him. Michael is working hard and work is forever on the horizon. Not far off, just always beyond our reach and I've wondered if God will ever allow us to have
more than we need? Besides relliance on Him, is there another lesson to be learned here?
Despite the never-ending questions, my fears, just one day later, have been completely silenced and He has shown through love from our church, that we've never fallen off of his radar. There is no "Oops! Guess I forgot to watch the Withem's over there." as if we were a kettle of boiling water about to spill over. No, not my Savior! He is near. He cares. He loves. He provides. And my soul is at rest in Him. For now, I am content to be vulnerable and cling to my Almighty God, knowing that He is, and always will be, enough.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
1 Peter 5:6-10
